Standing Witness

In the words of John Bytheway....

2011-06-30T19:03:00.000-04:00

After I cleaned my room today, I found the book "What I Wish I Had Known When I Was Single" by John Bytheway that I had checked out from the institute library a few weeks ago. I've been thinking about being single lately and pondering what to do about it, as if it is something to be fixed.

Well, I don't think it is any accident I found that book today.

I finished the book in about 4 hours (including food, bathroom, and various other breaks). I had heard a portion of his talk of the same name on tape awhile back and loved what I had heard. But I'm not really an auditory learner, so I didn't hold on to a lot of the information. I read through it all, trying to absorb as much of his advice and make notes of what the Spirit was highlighting in my minds eye. And there was a LOT for me to absorb.

I felt like when I started writing this post, I would have something profound/inspirational to share, or to talk about some amazing revelation I had. But I think it is simpler than that. If I just condense everything he said, about waiting to find the perfect person for my duet, staying worthy, being happily single, and enriching my life with activities that make me not only more attractive but increase my testimony, it all comes down to one simple thing: find something that makes you happy and DO IT. Find multiple somethings that make you happy and DO THOSE. Being truly happy in life, even while single, will remove all worry and sadness, which is exactly why the Savior died for us. I know I worry about the future way more than I should; I know that many of my YSA friends are right there with me. But what good does worrying do? It just breeds insecurity, timidness in life, a doubting mindset, and general fear.

I am a worrier. My mom is a worrier. Her mom is a worrier. "It runs in the family" is a crutch I have used in the past. But I think there comes a time where you have to throw away the crutch, trust that the Lord has healed you enough that you can stand upright and walk forward without any fear of falling and failing. Sure, I probably will still stumble and fail every once in awhile. To err is human, and sometimes we have to learn from our mistakes and choices, because no one else can make them for us. It is the fear that must be eliminated from the equation, for it is the emotion that truly hinders and beats down on our psyche and self-esteem.

Brother Bytheway wrote that one of the first things I need to do as a soloist is to make a plan. Well, I make plans up the wazoo. When I first read that, I thought, "Man, I got this covered." The problem is that I haven't been making the right kind of plans. Sure, my plans for my life and move are important and good - I am not dismissing those. But I need to supplement with different plans, plans that deal with my spiritual and personal growth. If we do not plan how we want to grow as people, how do we know what direction we are headed?

So, here is my Spiritual Growth Plan:

Stop worrying
Ask of God in all things
Stop worrying
Pray to become stronger in my testimony
Stop worrying
Find ways to serve others
And don't forget to stop worrying

Brother Bytheway also said to write the plan in pencil if necessary and allow it to be changed. So I expect this will change. In fact, I would be worried if it didn't change because that would be indicative of a lack of growth on my part. I can make the most difference in the world while I grow, both single and married.

In the words of John Bytheway, "...whether I was alone or in a duet, I would find a way to make sure that my life meant something. I would want the world to be a better place because I was here."

So good to feel good about feeling good!

2011-06-28T14:39:00.000-04:00

Over the past few months, I haven't always felt very good about myself. Various reasons and negative thinking of course attributed to this, but what got me the most down was knowing that I could control my circumstances and thoughts and I still had negative thoughts.

I'm still not really sure how it happened, but I've done a complete 180. I think very highly of myself. Hmm, maybe that sounds too conceited. I should say that I feel I have a greater value and worth than I did before, which is helping me to have a higher self-esteem. I know that my value or worth never decreased, I just never recognized it. All of this is owed to my increasing testimony in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Following Him and learning what it means to truly be Christlike are directly linked to the value I feel, because as I draw closer to Heavenly Father, I see myself more as He sees me. Sunday is when I realized that my view of "Samantha" has changed. I wrote it in my letter to God (oh yeah, I write letters to Heavenly Father as prayers. I still do my morning and evening prayers, but the letters are where I just have a conversation with Him. I guess it's just easier for me to write it down) that Sunday evening.

Here is a small excerpt from it:
(A male friend of mine was joking around in his usual manner during church, and then he started to tickle my bare knee. He has also touched my bare legs before at other times, all which led to this response) Pushing him away and telling him to stop really helped me recognize how much of a higher standard I hold myself because I recognize that I deserve better treatment than that, no matter how innocent it may have been. When I told him to stop, I could feel the Spirit increase in my bosom as testimony to my righteous choice and standards.

I don't mean to sound self-righteous or better than anyone. I only know that I felt it was inappropriate and I knew Heavenly Father was proud of me for standing my ground and staying true to my standards for how I wish to be treated by someone of the opposite sex. When I am engaged/married, that lucky guy will be able to tickle my knee as much as he wants to! Haha.... I just think that that is a line that shouldn't be crossed until the proper time, as a little touch here or there can cause improper or unwanted feelings to grow and mutate into something bad and dangerous.

Plus, my knee is meant for my future husband, not just any Joe-schmo! ;-)

Officially official

2011-06-22T16:57:00.004-04:00

I bought my plane ticket to Utah yesterday.

*BIG GULP*

It definitely makes it feel a lot more real. Buying the ticket is like a fiscal confirmation that this is ACTUALLY happening. I am super, duper excited, but I think there is an even larger part of me that is terrified. I mean, I am "want to curl up in a ball in a secret, tiny dark place where no one can find me" scared. This is a big move for me. Sure, my parents moved to Texas while I still lived in Indiana, but I had my Oma and Opa there to house me when things got financially rough, plus a very expansive support system of friends. Utah is a very different story. I like to say I know plenty of people there, but not that many "close" friends. And finding an apartment when you can't really physically look at any is not exactly a settling thought. Plus, my parents will be even farther away, living in New Jersey or Connecticut.

Ok, so the list of negative things could go on for pretty much the rest of time. To calm myself down, I've been trying to bring the positive things to mind. Such as, I know I am doing what Heavenly Father wants me to do. BIG FREAKING POSITIVE right there! It does feel pretty good to know that. Fingers crossed it just doesn't change again.... I am already halfway to my savings goal. I'm blessed with a good job that can provide me with the funds I need. AND I do have a couple of families that could house me if the time comes and I don't have my own place. Chances are, I'll be able to find a job before I even move up there and it will be enough to pay the bills. And the last positive I can think of I guess would be the somewhat larger dating scene. Haha.

It really will be a great experience and I know that God will be there to watch me every step of the way. And it will probably be a little easier than what I am thinking, too. I just have to remember to always weigh the positive much more heavily than the negative.

Oh, and btw, I arrive in Utah on September 7th. X-D

In case you haven't noticed....

2011-06-18T11:35:00.003-04:00

I was just looking through my old posts and realized that the intent of this blog has changed since I first started it. It's no longer just a political/environmental blog, but rather my outlet for all things that concern me, including spiritual matters. I may post a smattering of politics or worldly concerns now and again, but I don't really see that being the focus anymore. I feel like things of the world should take a backseat in my blog, just as they have in my life.

Anyways, I don't know how clear of a mission statement (if it could be called that) it is, but that's all I have. :-)

Ch-ch-ch-changes

2011-06-18T10:49:00.005-04:00

Plans have changed since the last time I wrote on this. I am no longer attempting to au pair in Germany. This was not an easy decision to make as I pretty much had a guaranteed job in Munich *das sigh*. But, things work out according to Heavenly Father's plan, even if it's harder to complete the task he wants us to, and what He wants is for me to move to Utah in September (I am using Sept 7 as a somewhat tentative date).

How did my plans go from exotic, exciting Germany to moving to the LDS bubble that is Provo, Utah, you say? Well, HF has a sense of humor, I tell you what. I had made all my plans solid for Germany -- there was no way I wouldn't be able to go. And then I hear that little voice telling me I should make a back-up plan just in case anything were to go wrong. So, knowing I need to move out of my house, I begin brainstorming what kind of back-up plan would be good. Here is an example of my inner monologue at that time: "Lack of a vehicle means I should be near friends and in an area that has good public transportation. Also, I need a strong spiritual network to help keep me on the straight and narrow path. Plus, if I'm not going to Germany, I may as well start school as soon as I can afford it, and since my parents are moving from Texas, it would be cheaper for me to go to BYU. So, if I would go to school in Utah or Idaho anyways, it would make sense to be near there. Plus, everyone says the public transportation is awesome. And I don't know how much better of a church network I could find anywhere else. Huh...." I then proceeded to see if I could financially afford to live there and what I found out was that if I worked for the fall semester and then attended school in the winter semester, I could save up enough money at my current job to support me (while I worked as well). I then had friends saying they could find me a job, I saw rent was super cheap, and my back-up plan was born.

And then HF played a little trick on me. The more I planned my back-up plan, the more I felt like it was supposed to be my actual plan. The nagging feelings and little whispers were getting on my nerves -- I wanted to go to Germany! But after talking with President Lauritzen and a lot of praying, I resigned to His plan for me. I realized that Utah was never a back-up, but the actual plan. I still am not sure why he wants me there so soon, but I know it is for a good reason.

Also, Germany would have been WAY easier to do than this. I have to save almost 4X's as much money over the summer to be able to live and go to school in Utah than what I would have needed for Germany. And I would have come back with more money, too!

I think the final confirmation that Utah is my future was the fact that immediately after I made the steadfast decision to move there, EVERYTHING in my life got harder. It seemed like nothing was going right and stuff just kept trying to push me down and keep me from succeeding. After I realized the timing and why bad things kept happening, I knew the adversary was trying to prevent me from succeeding in my goal. That has only made me want to try even harder and put more faith in the Lord.

So after that ridiculously long explanation, I guess I will try and keep this updated on the progress of my move (if I'm not too busy).

Or I could just see you in Utah. :-)

It's been awhile....

2011-04-04T00:42:00.007-04:00

Well, it has certainly been awhile since my fingers have thought to type out a message for my blog. I'm not really sure why my little blog crossed my mind. Perhaps I am just needing another outlet in which to scribe my thoughts and feelings.

The journey I have taken the last year has been...interesting, to say the least. 13 months from the first time I ever went to the one true church, it feels like I have come to roost at home. In just a little more than a month, I will celebrate my one year anniversary of being a baptized and confirmed member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. What an amazing 11 months it has been! The closer my 1 year come to fruition, the more I find myself reflecting over my testimony, conversion, and faith in Christ. I do not expect to have nearly all of the answers I desire when that 12 month date finally comes, but I hope to have more than what I do now.

For the first time in awhile, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel when it comes to school. By this summer, I will have my associate's degree in English. After a year overseas in Germany (hopefully!), I will return and finish my bachelor's degree in English and German. Before I know it, I will be sitting behind a desk at a high school (somewhere away from the God forsaken heat of Texas), trying my hardest to enlighten the hormone riddled minds of the next generation.

I am slowly but surely learning to let go of the things that I can not change, to make plans for the future but not be disappointed if they turn out differently than I thought, to accept all of the twist and turns Heavenly Father sends my way and recognize them for the blessings they are.

Autism in America

2008-01-09T11:04:00.002-05:00

In my previous post, I stated how I really don't feel strongly towards one candidate or another. While I was thinking about this and updating my blog at the same time, I realized that my feelings are in part that not one politician is talking about what affects my life right now.

I find it appalling that not a single candidate has made Autism and it's treatment a main platform topic for this election. With the number of children who are diagnosed rising at an alarming rate, while the cost for treatment also rises, it makes me wonder if there is anyone who cares about this predicament facing our society?

For those who do not understand Autism, it is classified as a behavioral disorder, but there are new studies all the time that say it is most likely linked to something physical in the body and brain that is not right. A very likely theory is too much heavy metals, such as mercury and lead, in the body. These travel in to the child's body from the mother during pregnancy that she has absorbed through the pollution in the environment around her. Mercury poisoning is being quickly accepted as one main offender towards causing Autism (though there are many). If there are any women out there who are thinking about having children, I beg of you to have any amalgam fillings for cavities removed months a head of time of your expected pregnancy and replaced with non-amalgam fillings. When amalgam is put in to and removed from the mouth, it releases a mercury based vapor that gets inhaled by the patient. Also, when children are born, they are given a barrage of vaccination shots, some they do not need right then. These vaccines contain Thimerosal, a mercury-containing preservative. It just seems like we want our children to have mercury poisoning! And since we know that mercury causes cancer, how many older people are being affected by this years later? The body simply can not naturally get rid of mercury. Once it is in your body, it is in there forever. You can go through natural or medical kelation therapy to rid yourself of heavy metals, but both can be pricey and are extremely dangerous. At that note, I must urge all who are now thinking of kelating, DO NOT TRY THIS WITHOUT MEDICAL SUPERVISION. It can kill you or your child if not done properly.

I also might add that my mother had two big amalgam fillings taken out and replaced during the middle of her pregnancy with my sister. Coincidence? I think not.

The reason I care so much for this topic is because my 4-year-old sister was diagnosed with autism two and a half years ago and she has been in constant, costly treatment since. Some of you may wonder why the insurance simply does not pay for it. Well, according to Indiana law, if the company (such as the one my father worked for) is self-insured, they can choose whether or not to cover the treatment. With my sister's treatment in Indiana costing around $30,000 a year, of course they didn't cover it. This forced, along with a poor selection of facilities for my sister, my parents to relocate down to Houston, TX. There, they have found a much better school for my sister where it costs a little over $1000 a week for her treatment (and that is if she stays at 20hrs a week and not have the time increased). My father's new company may or may not pay for the insurance and they are hoping beyond all hope that they will. If not, my parents will surely go into bankruptcy.

What is happening to my family is happening all across the nation. And there are even more family's who can't afford to even get the cheapest of help for their children. The simple fact of it all is that Autism IS treatable, but so many children go without treatment and suffer the consequences the rest of their lives. And when these children turn into adults who can not function normally in society, that puts a strain on our economy. Therefore, I go back to my point of why not one candidate has made this an issue. Autism is real, and it's a growing problem.

It's not them, it's me.......or is it?

2008-01-08T23:13:00.001-05:00

I was talking with a friend of mine tonight as we were watching the C-SPAN coverage of the New Hampshire primaries. And I realized that there may be a few candidates I definitely do NOT want to win the presidency, but that I also do not feel strongly in favor of any candidate either. This has me worried slightly, for in the past 8 years, I knew I did not want Bush elected and choosing a candidate was substantially easier. However, I can not say with complete satisfaction which candidate I would like to see in office over another. In my mind, there are some decent choices for the '08 election, but a single person does not stick out in my mind as the one I support.

Therefore, I have to ponder if this is due to me not caring (a scary thought) or simply that no one has wowed me or given me enough reason to want them in office. Could it simply be that the candidates do not have the same star power (for lack a better phrase) as in the past? I have to believe that I do care about the future of our government, because nothing terrifies me more than the apathetic citizen.

If anyone has any feedback as to why I am feeling like this, or if you too are as complacent as myself about the election, please feel free to comment.

I suppose I just have to hope that as the year progresses I will become more engaged in the "Race to the White House."

Afghani Flowers

2007-12-16T23:46:00.001-05:00

I was watching the news today and there was a story on about Afghani farmers that grow poppy flowers as the main means of feeding themselves and their families. Apparently, this is a huge crop in Afghanistan and local and foreign authorities have started programs to destroy these crops. They have reasons for this, mainly being that the poppy seed crops pay for the Taliban's efforts to reestablish itself, and consequently many insurgent and terrorist activities. But there is a problem with how they are going about with destroying these farmer's crops. They simply destroy and do not reimburse them in any way. The Afghanistan has said that they will reimburse the farmers with $500 per acre, but UN estimates say that farmers can make $6000 with that same acre of poppy. Then, the same authorities say they will send seeds to take the place of the illegal crop, but many farmers say they haven't seen reimbursement of any kind. On the news program, they interviewed one of these farmers (who are very poor and often receive the money to start the poppy crops from warlords who loan them the money). This farmer was telling the reporters that since the troops destroyed his crops, he would have no way to pay back the loan and the only way he could possibly repay them would be to give them one of his daughters.

I'm not against them destroying these crops, but leaving these farmers helpless to feed their families and themselves is something I can not support. If we are going to support the destruction of these fields, we need to ensure that the Afghanistan government is taking care of their people in the process.

Yee-haw!

2007-12-04T13:46:00.000-05:00

My parents made a proposition to me this morning that, frankly, I could not refuse. My mother will be taking my sister down to Texas on the train, so my dad needs someone to switch off the driving all the way down there. They would fly me back immediately afterwards, but they really want me to celebrate Christmas with them. So they offered to pay me $500 to stay with them through Dec. 30, which would be more money than what I could make with a temporary job, which if I got right now, I would have to start paying for my car, insurance, and cell phone immediately. So I made the wise decision to spend some time down in Texas with them because they are also going to fly me back to Chicago and then pay for my train ride home too.

So to everyone in town, I will see you in January!

Plastic and Paper

2007-11-09T13:19:00.000-05:00

Everyone hears about how bad plastic bags are for the environment, and they are terrible with practically nothing good coming from them. But many people don't realize how awful paper bags are for the environment, too. I didn't even realize this until I started researching the subject. In fact, in some ways, paper bags are actually worse than plastic bags.

Making a paper bag:

Emits 70% more global warming gases
Creates 50 times more water pollution
Uses 4 times more raw materials
Consumes 3.5 times more energy

On top of this, paper bags are unlikely to be reused since they tear easily and are even meant to be used once. And then, 80% of paper bags end of in landfills where they don't biodegrade because of a lack of oxygen. They cost more to landfill because they take up way more space in the dump than plastic bags.

After I read this information on 1 Bag at a Time, I was flabbergasted at realizing how the only good alternative is to use woven bags that can be used again and again.

If this kind of thing peaks an interest, check out http://www.1bagatatime.com/. There is also a part of the website where it shows how many of the bags they have sold and how it will affect the environment in the future. A cool thing about this part of the site is that it is a live feed that updates every so often.

Check it out if you know what is good for you.......or rather the Earth!

It's the Local Life for Me

2007-11-08T10:37:00.001-05:00

Last night, a friend made an interesting comment on my places of choice when it came to eating out. Simply put, I am all about the local scene, such as Power's and Coney Island. I was pondering this idea, and it is completely true, even with local business that I don't necessarily stuff my face at. So I am going to make a list of all my favorite local businesses, eateries, and anything else that comes to mind.

When I go grocery shopping, I vastly prefer the Three Rivers Co-op (which everyone should go check out). What I especially love about the co-op is that a shopper can purchase a lot of food that is grown or produced locally, either in Ft. Wayne or in local towns. They do have some national products, too, but as far as I know, most of their fresh produce is grown locally.

Brickhouse Bagels & Bakery- I'm pretty sure that this is a local business. At least when I Google it, it only shows up in Fort Wayne. They make awesome brunch food and coffee. The blueberry muffin is amazing.

Atz's Ice Cream Shoppe- Too much ice cream is perfect for me.

Coney Island- After I had my first coney dog at my junior prom dinner here, I've never had a coney dog anywhere else. And it isn't just the food that draws me in again and again; I've also become acquainted with many of the employees there. It also helps that I dated a former employee a couple summer's ago. Honestly, Ft. Wayne wouldn't be the same with out Coney Island.

Powers Hamburgers- Yeah, so this place started up in Michigan. But it feels like a Ft. Wayne thing, so that's the important thing. There is nothing like stuffing your face burger after burger while the grease drips through the bag on to your lap.

Cebolla's Mexican Grille- Honestly, this place serves some of the best Mexican food I've had. I've only eaten at the original restaurant, by the mall, and I also like how most of the wait staff is Hispanic, a trait I've always felt Bandido's was sorely lacking.

Cindy's Diner- I wish Cindy's Diner was open later so I could eat there more often. This is definitely a Ft. Wayne eating landmark.

Firefly Cafe- Probably my favorite coffee house in Ft. Wayne. Yeah, Higher Grounds is nice, but after working there, it just put a sour taste in my mouth. As far as being more in touch with Ft. Wayne, I think Firefly serves better.

Grabill Inn- True, this restaurant is in Grabill, but I have been eating here since I was a little girl. And the prime rib can't be beat.

King Gyro's- Not only can you get great gyro sandwiches, but you can get some pretty amazing American classic food.

Klemm's Kafe- I love Klemm's. Enough said.

Lunch Box Cafe- Good service, good food. A great place to just have a nice lunch!

Munchie's Emporium- Of course, I am referring to the original Munchie's off of Broadway. If you've ever eaten there, you know why it is on this list. If not.......well, you suck.

Our Daily Brew- Yeah, this is the coffee shop in the mall. The coffee isn't terrible and they also have an amazing tea selection.

Clara's Pizza King- Pizza King is an Indiana chain, but Clara's is unique to Ft. Wayne. My mom told me about how she and her friends would go to Clara's and hang out and eat pizza. I have to say, it is pretty neat inside, especially with the swinging benches.

Spyro's Pancake House- Breakfast that isn't the normal IHOP. That's enough reason for me.

The Grind- Another good coffee house. Not many people have heard of it, but I give it mad props. Check it out. It is by the Scott's off of Maplecrest and Stellhorn.

Yokohama- Great Japanese food. Expensive, but good still.

Fast Trak- Who doesn't love driving too fast and ramming yourself into walls and pre-pubescent boys? I do! I do! Plus, the gaming area isn't terrible, especially with the XBox area they added in.

The Thirsty Camel- This is the first local bar I have been to in Ft. Wayne and I can't imagine that Pierre's is any better. I hope to be checking out the 412 Club, Columbia Street West and other bars soon.

Naked Clay Cafe- If you feel like having a coffee or painting some pottery, this is the place for you. Heck, I do both.

Fort Wayne Children's Zoo- Who doesn't love the zoo. I've been visiting the zoo since I was little, and my mom has been going when she was little too. I even used to volunteer for the zoo when I was in middle school.

Roller Dome North- Anyone who grew up in Ft. Wayne and never did an all night skate sorely missed out on a key experience. And if those same people never saw the John Stewart report missed out on yet another key experience.

Azar's Big Boy- Another national chain, but Azar's ties this restaurant down home.

LazerX- In the battle between LazerX and Ultrazone, LazerX just wins. If you check out their site, I believe they were voted either the best or one of the best laser tagging arena's in the area. Eat that, Ultrazone!

I'm sure there are many places that I have missed. And let me know if I am the only one who finds it hilarious that most of my memorable local places are food places. If that doesn't sum up Ft. Wayne for you, I don't know what does.

If anyone has any other places to add, simply put them in a comment.

Locked Up in Sears with No Where to Go

2007-11-08T00:07:00.001-05:00

Imagine this:

It's closing time in the Sears Portrait Studio and you are left by yourself to do the closing duties Satan himself could only dream up. These naturally take an hour to do. Around 9, 9:15, you start to notice some of the lights going off in the store, as Sears itself has closed. Naturally, the comforting words of your boss come to mind and you reassure yourself by repeating "You will never be left alone in the store." Rushing as fast as possible to get the cash count, the package count, open orders log checked, the audit file sorted, the sales total for the day, killing a small tree to print out all the papers needed, the closing night worksheet numbers, then transferring those numbers to an e-mail for the district manager, and gathering the deposit money for Sears themselves done in a timely, orderly manner, time slowly creeps to 9:30. You look up and realize the store is so incredibly dark. Thoughts race through your mind of a psychotic serial killer/rapist waiting to pounce on you in accessories and you begin walking a little faster with a key in between each knuckle, ready to mess 'em up if necessary. As you walk down the stationary escalator, it slowly starts to dawn on you that your boss may have been full of crap and you are left all alone in the creepy department store. But you calm yourself by thinking there has to at least be a security guard or gap-toothed janitor somewhere. Closer to the exit, you hear a strange ringing sound that has a familiar tone to it. It isn't a phone, or any pager. But who has a freaking pager anymore, honestly. Then it dawns on you. It's the store alarm. You just stand at the dead bolted exit listening to the extremely annoying alarm go off and just think, "Oh freak." Sitting down on one of the chairs in the dingy lobby, you call 911 (you know they are going to laugh about this all night). Well, you explain the situation, and they send a policeman and a mall security officer. When they come up to the door to talk to you, they pass a note through a crack in the door, asking if you have a manager's number who has a key to the store. Of course, working in the photo studio, you don't. Then they tell you they can't get you out without a manager and that they don't have any number to call either. Double freak. So, you sit back down and just wait it out. For an hour and a half. The first woman who comes starts walking up to the door, and then laughs, "I forgot my key!" Like your situation is a big laugh riot. Luckily, a second prepared woman shows up 30 seconds later with a key. She lets you out, asks you what happened, you explained you were left behind (and not in the biblical sense, you add) and they all have a big laugh. You force a toothy grin, ask if you can go, and make a beeline for you car.

Of course, this was a Monday night after work for me. Like this could happen to anyone else.

My Personal Addiction

2007-11-08T00:00:00.002-05:00

The following is a paper that I wrote for AP Lit, only I've added in somethings and terminology that would have been appropriate for high school. Enjoy.

"My Personal Addicton"

The speech team dominates your life. No, dominate is not strong enough. Maybe...it encompasses every aspect of your social life while slowly turning your brain into a machine of speech-writing and voice perfecting. Yet, for some reason, I stayed with it for four years. It's like an addiction for me, I think. I'm competitive naturally (something my therapist has "diagnosed" me with), so after I won second place at my first speech meet, it put a fire in my belly nothing less than first could put out.

I prepared vigorously, practicing twice, three times a week. And it paid off. My collection of blue, red, white, and yellow ribbons kept growing at an exponential rate. I was lucky enough to have a great group of seniors to mentor and support me. The twins, Shawna and Amanda, were always friendly and supportive, two qualities a timid freshman desperately needs. And Bryce, well, Bryce was a god in radio. His voice was the model of perfection that I strove toward. At state freshman year, I exceeded expectations by breaking into semi-finals, a fairly high task for a freshman. That being as far as I got, I made a pact with myself that next year I would make finals.

After a lackadaisical summer of not thinking about speech, fall came and so did the dreaded school year. Being elected an officer to the speech team, I had delved even farther into the belly of the beast. But, I didn't forget the pact I made with myself that past spring. At almost every meet, I never placed lower than third, with most of my wall covered with red and blue. But there was one boy who was the only one who could beat me. It didn't help that he was gorgeous and I was always gazing doe-eyed at him, as do most high school sophomore girls with a shy dispostion, when I should have been writing my speeches.

He went to South Side, our biggest speech rival, but let's just say I wasn't the only girl who's eyes spun in their heads only to turn in to hearts when he swaggered in to the rom. His name was Charlie and he was notorious for two things: annihilating all competition in radio, and being ridiculously good-looking while doing it. However, Charlie wasn't what really made that year memorable for me. At sectionals, the competition that determines who advances to the state meet, I didn't make finals and was the first alternate for competition. In short, that meant that if anyone didn't compete at state from my sectional, then I would take their place. Well, a miracle happened and Charlie (who won sectionals and advanced to state) backed out of the competition, which gave me his spot.

So two weeks later, I was on the bus and on my way to IUPUI for the state competition. I fought my way to the final round with my desire to prove myself. Waiting on stage as they called all the other names ahead of me was the most nerve wracking experience ever. With each placement announced that counted up closer to 1st, my heart stopped a second longer. When the proctor finally came to third place, he announced, "From Fort Wayne Northrop High School, Samantha Goldsberry." In one way, I felt this huge weight lift off of my heart because at least I knew how I stood. But I would be a liar if I didn't say that the pings of disappointment weren't present.

Once again, I made a pact with myself. This time, I wanted to do better. Unfortunately, my enlarged ego from the previous years was getting to me and I probably didn't work as hard as I could or should have. But, I still made it to state, and then to the final seven. I had more riding on the results as I walked up on the stage. My heart was beating faster than I could count seconds and it felt as if it were going to just fly out of my chest at any moment. I was confident I would at least do as well as 3rd so when they announced my name for 4th place, it caused an electric shock to run through my body as I felt numb from disbelief. It took all my strength to not start crying on stage. The one thing I didn't want to do was place worse than the previous year. And that is just what I did. It didn't help that Beau, a competitor and future boyfriend *shudder*, kept trying to ask what was wrong and bugged the crap out of me while I cried my eyes out. To make matters worse, Beau had just placed second, the rotten cheating bastard.

But I digress. After losing miserably, I thought that I was about to die from the disappointment. But something different happened. Instead, I became invigorated to beat all competition without mercy. I won the sectional tournament (a first for me) and I practiced harder and longer each day. I went to state, sure of the fact that I had annihilated the competition for the first three rounds. You can then imagine my surprise/anger/disappointment/jealousy and all those other girly emotions when I saw that I didn't break into the semi-finals. I didn't cry then. The only time I cried was when I called Ro, my recent ex-boyfriend, and my parents, neither of which had any words of wisdom or comfort to bestow upon me. That day was the longest day of my life. Those who do not break in to semis are doomed to a seven hour day of eating, listening to music, trying to read while there are at least 200 people in the same gym as you at any one time, and watching Step Up on my laptop because "majority rules."

I first thought that the past four years had been a complete waste since I never got to be the state champion. After that sad day, the fire in my belly for speech simmered down to a few hot coals, and after a month of no speech related activities, the fire was doused. Letting a few months pass by has let the sting of losing fade a little, and it has helped me realize that it wasn't about the ribbons or trophies, though they were a nice perk, but that speech was about the relationships and friendships I formed with people. I just have to look at the positive things that happened in the short four years I was in speech and I realize how lucky I am to have been able to experience something that unique.

Uh. Yeah.

2007-11-07T23:22:00.000-05:00

So this is my first blog posting, if you don't count MySpace. But honestly, who does? Kody convinced me to start one up and I was never one to back down from peer pressure. My plans for this are to have it somewhat political, but also somewhat personal. I hope everyone (and by that I mean the 5 people who are going to read this) enjoy my posts and find them mentally and maybe physically stimulating. Whatever floats your boat.

-Giggles