In the words of John Bytheway....

After I cleaned my room today, I found the book "What I Wish I Had Known When I Was Single" by John Bytheway that I had checked out from the institute library a few weeks ago. I've been thinking about being single lately and pondering what to do about it, as if it is something to be fixed.

Well, I don't think it is any accident I found that book today.

I finished the book in about 4 hours (including food, bathroom, and various other breaks). I had heard a portion of his talk of the same name on tape awhile back and loved what I had heard. But I'm not really an auditory learner, so I didn't hold on to a lot of the information. I read through it all, trying to absorb as much of his advice and make notes of what the Spirit was highlighting in my minds eye. And there was a LOT for me to absorb.

I felt like when I started writing this post, I would have something profound/inspirational to share, or to talk about some amazing revelation I had. But I think it is simpler than that. If I just condense everything he said, about waiting to find the perfect person for my duet, staying worthy, being happily single, and enriching my life with activities that make me not only more attractive but increase my testimony, it all comes down to one simple thing: find something that makes you happy and DO IT. Find multiple somethings that make you happy and DO THOSE. Being truly happy in life, even while single, will remove all worry and sadness, which is exactly why the Savior died for us. I know I worry about the future way more than I should; I know that many of my YSA friends are right there with me. But what good does worrying do? It just breeds insecurity, timidness in life, a doubting mindset, and general fear.

I am a worrier. My mom is a worrier. Her mom is a worrier. "It runs in the family" is a crutch I have used in the past. But I think there comes a time where you have to throw away the crutch, trust that the Lord has healed you enough that you can stand upright and walk forward without any fear of falling and failing. Sure, I probably will still stumble and fail every once in awhile. To err is human, and sometimes we have to learn from our mistakes and choices, because no one else can make them for us. It is the fear that must be eliminated from the equation, for it is the emotion that truly hinders and beats down on our psyche and self-esteem.

Brother Bytheway wrote that one of the first things I need to do as a soloist is to make a plan. Well, I make plans up the wazoo. When I first read that, I thought, "Man, I got this covered." The problem is that I haven't been making the right kind of plans. Sure, my plans for my life and move are important and good - I am not dismissing those. But I need to supplement with different plans, plans that deal with my spiritual and personal growth. If we do not plan how we want to grow as people, how do we know what direction we are headed?

So, here is my Spiritual Growth Plan:

1. Stop worrying
2. Ask of God in all things
3. Stop worrying
4. Pray to become stronger in my testimony
5. Stop worrying
6. Find ways to serve others 
7. And don't forget to stop worrying

Brother Bytheway also said to write the plan in pencil if necessary and allow it to be changed. So I expect this will change. In fact, I would be worried if it didn't change because that would be indicative of a lack of growth on my part. I can make the most difference in the world while I grow, both single and married.

In the words of John Bytheway, "...whether I was alone or in a duet, I would find a way to make sure that my life meant something. I would want the world to be a better place because I was here."

So good to feel good about feeling good!

Over the past few months, I haven't always felt very good about myself. Various reasons and negative thinking of course attributed to this, but what got me the most down was knowing that I could control my circumstances and thoughts and I still had negative thoughts.

I'm still not really sure how it happened, but I've done a complete 180. I think very highly of myself. Hmm, maybe that sounds too conceited. I should say that I feel I have a greater value and worth than I did before, which is helping me to have a higher self-esteem. I know that my value or worth never decreased, I just never recognized it. All of this is owed to my increasing testimony in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Following Him and learning what it means to truly be Christlike are directly linked to the value I feel, because as I draw closer to Heavenly Father, I see myself more as He sees me. Sunday is when I realized that my view of "Samantha" has changed. I wrote it in my letter to God (oh yeah, I write letters to Heavenly Father as prayers. I still do my morning and evening prayers, but the letters are where I just have a conversation with Him. I guess it's just easier for me to write it down) that Sunday evening.

Here is a small excerpt from it:
(A male friend of mine was joking around in his usual manner during church, and then he started to tickle my bare knee. He has also touched my bare legs before at other times, all which led to this response) Pushing him away and telling him to stop really helped me recognize how much of a higher standard I hold myself because I recognize that I deserve better treatment than that, no matter how innocent it may have been. When I told him to stop, I could feel the Spirit increase in my bosom as testimony to my righteous choice and standards.

I don't mean to sound self-righteous or better than anyone. I only know that I felt it was inappropriate and I knew Heavenly Father was proud of me for standing my ground and staying true to my standards for how I wish to be treated by someone of the opposite sex. When I am engaged/married, that lucky guy will be able to tickle my knee as much as he wants to! Haha.... I just think that that is a line that shouldn't be crossed until the proper time, as a little touch here or there can cause improper or unwanted feelings to grow and mutate into something bad and dangerous.

Plus, my knee is meant for my future husband, not just any Joe-schmo! ;-)

Officially official

I bought my plane ticket to Utah yesterday.

*BIG GULP*

It definitely makes it feel a lot more real. Buying the ticket is like a fiscal confirmation that this is ACTUALLY happening. I am super, duper excited, but I think there is an even larger part of me that is terrified. I mean, I am "want to curl up in a ball in a secret, tiny dark place where no one can find me" scared. This is a big move for me. Sure, my parents moved to Texas while I still lived in Indiana, but I had my Oma and Opa there to house me when things got financially rough, plus a very expansive support system of friends. Utah is a very different story. I like to say I know plenty of people there, but not that many "close" friends. And finding an apartment when you can't really physically look at any is not exactly a settling thought. Plus, my parents will be even farther away, living in New Jersey or Connecticut.

Ok, so the list of negative things could go on for pretty much the rest of time. To calm myself down, I've been trying to bring the positive things to mind. Such as, I know I am doing what Heavenly Father wants me to do. BIG FREAKING POSITIVE right there! It does feel pretty good to know that. Fingers crossed it just doesn't change again.... I am already halfway to my savings goal. I'm blessed with a good job that can provide me with the funds I need. AND I do have a couple of families that could house me if the time comes and I don't have my own place. Chances are, I'll be able to find a job before I even move up there and it will be enough to pay the bills. And the last positive I can think of I guess would be the somewhat larger dating scene. Haha.

It really will be a great experience and I know that God will be there to watch me every step of the way. And it will probably be a little easier than what I am thinking, too. I just have to remember to always weigh the positive much more heavily than the negative.



Oh, and btw, I arrive in Utah on September 7th. X-D

In case you haven't noticed....

I was just looking through my old posts and realized that the intent of this blog has changed since I first started it. It's no longer just a political/environmental blog, but rather my outlet for all things that concern me, including spiritual matters. I may post a smattering of politics or worldly concerns now and again, but I don't really see that being the focus anymore. I feel like things of the world should take a backseat in my blog, just as they have in my life.

Anyways, I don't know how clear of a mission statement (if it could be called that) it is, but that's all I have. :-)

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Plans have changed since the last time I wrote on this. I am no longer attempting to au pair in Germany. This was not an easy decision to make as I pretty much had a guaranteed job in Munich *das sigh*. But, things work out according to Heavenly Father's plan, even if it's harder to complete the task he wants us to, and what He wants is for me to move to Utah in September (I am using Sept 7 as a somewhat tentative date).

How did my plans go from exotic, exciting Germany to moving to the LDS bubble that is Provo, Utah, you say? Well, HF has a sense of humor, I tell you what. I had made all my plans solid for Germany -- there was no way I wouldn't be able to go. And then I hear that little voice telling me I should make a back-up plan just in case anything were to go wrong. So, knowing I need to move out of my house, I begin brainstorming what kind of back-up plan would be good. Here is an example of my inner monologue at that time: "Lack of a vehicle means I should be near friends and in an area that has good public transportation. Also, I need a strong spiritual network to help keep me on the straight and narrow path. Plus, if I'm not going to Germany, I may as well start school as soon as I can afford it, and since my parents are moving from Texas, it would be cheaper for me to go to BYU. So, if I would go to school in Utah or Idaho anyways, it would make sense to be near there. Plus, everyone says the public transportation is awesome. And I don't know how much better of a church network I could find anywhere else. Huh...." I then proceeded to see if I could financially afford to live there and what I found out was that if I worked for the fall semester and then attended school in the winter semester, I could save up enough money at my current job to support me (while I worked as well). I then had friends saying they could find me a job, I saw rent was super cheap, and my back-up plan was born.

And then HF played a little trick on me. The more I planned my back-up plan, the more I felt like it was supposed to be my actual plan. The nagging feelings and little whispers were getting on my nerves -- I wanted to go to Germany! But after talking with President Lauritzen and a lot of praying, I resigned to His plan for me. I realized that Utah was never a back-up, but the actual plan. I still am not sure why he wants me there so soon, but I know it is for a good reason.

Also, Germany would have been WAY easier to do than this. I have to save almost 4X's as much money over the summer to be able to live and go to school in Utah than what I would have needed for Germany. And I would have come back with more money, too!

I think the final confirmation that Utah is my future was the fact that immediately after I made the steadfast decision to move there, EVERYTHING in my life got harder. It seemed like nothing was going right and stuff just kept trying to push me down and keep me from succeeding. After I realized the timing and why bad things kept happening, I knew the adversary was trying to prevent me from succeeding in my goal. That has only made me want to try even harder and put more faith in the Lord.

So after that ridiculously long explanation, I guess I will try and keep this updated on the progress of my move (if I'm not too busy).

Or I could just see you in Utah. :-)

It's been awhile....

Well, it has certainly been awhile since my fingers have thought to type out a message for my blog. I'm not really sure why my little blog crossed my mind. Perhaps I am just needing another outlet in which to scribe my thoughts and feelings.

The journey I have taken the last year has been...interesting, to say the least. 13 months from the first time I ever went to the one true church, it feels like I have come to roost at home. In just a little more than a month, I will celebrate my one year anniversary of being a baptized and confirmed member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. What an amazing 11 months it has been! The closer my 1 year come to fruition, the more I find myself reflecting over my testimony, conversion, and faith in Christ. I do not expect to have nearly all of the answers I desire when that 12 month date finally comes, but I hope to have more than what I do now.

For the first time in awhile, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel when it comes to school. By this summer, I will have my associate's degree in English. After a year overseas in Germany (hopefully!), I will return and finish my bachelor's degree in English and German. Before I know it, I will be sitting behind a desk at a high school (somewhere away from the God forsaken heat of Texas), trying my hardest to enlighten the hormone riddled minds of the next generation.

I am slowly but surely learning to let go of the things that I can not change, to make plans for the future but not be disappointed if they turn out differently than I thought, to accept all of the twist and turns Heavenly Father sends my way and recognize them for the blessings they are.

Autism in America

In my previous post, I stated how I really don't feel strongly towards one candidate or another. While I was thinking about this and updating my blog at the same time, I realized that my feelings are in part that not one politician is talking about what affects my life right now.

I find it appalling that not a single candidate has made Autism and it's treatment a main platform topic for this election. With the number of children who are diagnosed rising at an alarming rate, while the cost for treatment also rises, it makes me wonder if there is anyone who cares about this predicament facing our society?

For those who do not understand Autism, it is classified as a behavioral disorder, but there are new studies all the time that say it is most likely linked to something physical in the body and brain that is not right. A very likely theory is too much heavy metals, such as mercury and lead, in the body. These travel in to the child's body from the mother during pregnancy that she has absorbed through the pollution in the environment around her. Mercury poisoning is being quickly accepted as one main offender towards causing Autism (though there are many). If there are any women out there who are thinking about having children, I beg of you to have any amalgam fillings for cavities removed months a head of time of your expected pregnancy and replaced with non-amalgam fillings. When amalgam is put in to and removed from the mouth, it releases a mercury based vapor that gets inhaled by the patient. Also, when children are born, they are given a barrage of vaccination shots, some they do not need right then. These vaccines contain Thimerosal, a mercury-containing preservative. It just seems like we want our children to have mercury poisoning! And since we know that mercury causes cancer, how many older people are being affected by this years later? The body simply can not naturally get rid of mercury. Once it is in your body, it is in there forever. You can go through natural or medical kelation therapy to rid yourself of heavy metals, but both can be pricey and are extremely dangerous. At that note, I must urge all who are now thinking of kelating, DO NOT TRY THIS WITHOUT MEDICAL SUPERVISION. It can kill you or your child if not done properly.

I also might add that my mother had two big amalgam fillings taken out and replaced during the middle of her pregnancy with my sister. Coincidence? I think not.

The reason I care so much for this topic is because my 4-year-old sister was diagnosed with autism two and a half years ago and she has been in constant, costly treatment since. Some of you may wonder why the insurance simply does not pay for it. Well, according to Indiana law, if the company (such as the one my father worked for) is self-insured, they can choose whether or not to cover the treatment. With my sister's treatment in Indiana costing around $30,000 a year, of course they didn't cover it. This forced, along with a poor selection of facilities for my sister, my parents to relocate down to Houston, TX. There, they have found a much better school for my sister where it costs a little over $1000 a week for her treatment (and that is if she stays at 20hrs a week and not have the time increased). My father's new company may or may not pay for the insurance and they are hoping beyond all hope that they will. If not, my parents will surely go into bankruptcy.

What is happening to my family is happening all across the nation. And there are even more family's who can't afford to even get the cheapest of help for their children. The simple fact of it all is that Autism IS treatable, but so many children go without treatment and suffer the consequences the rest of their lives. And when these children turn into adults who can not function normally in society, that puts a strain on our economy. Therefore, I go back to my point of why not one candidate has made this an issue. Autism is real, and it's a growing problem.